I over think everything. I don’t know when it started and for me but it has always been natural. I never thought otherwise until someone pointed it out and I realised that yes, I do take up on over bearing stress from thinking about situations that might never happen.
I never admitted though, that it was a bad thing. Because sometimes it made me feel prepared for the situations I cannot foresee..in the future, good or bad. It also made me realise that I should always lower my expectations and that I thought made me stronger.
To expect the unexpected.
So, I basked in the fact that I over think. That I was prepared of what is to come and what is to happen.
I was proud of it at one point, it made me an almost perfectionist when it came to submitting my work. It made me to go to places on time and I became a well-oiled working machine. But after some time, I realised that they became my worst enemy.
I started fearing every action, every step that I took because of it. I had developed this insecurity that things won’t go the way it was supposed to be and that would be my fault.
I doubted myself at every move. Over thinking made me weak. Late at nights, I would wonder about what I did say or what should have been said or what should have been done and I just couldn’t let go of the past.
My thoughts would put me in this cage that had no escape. They would make me feel bad for no reason at all and I would find myself crying for no reason about circumstances that never happened. I would feel inferior to everyone around me, I would feel incapable like I didn’t deserved to be happy or feel any emotion. That I was just meant to fill space in this world.
That’s when I lost it all, submitted myself to self-pity and loathe. I felt nothing. My own thoughts brought me down. So, I ran. I ran away from my responsibilities, lost some precious time on the way, became a living being that wasn’t even aware what was happening around me.
Procrastination had become my daily routine and my self-esteem flew out of the window.
That was until, I found myself staring at the mirror wondering what I was actually doing with my life.
Social media was filled with happy pictures of all my friends living their lives and I chose to be invisible.
That was until this one day where I found myself stranded on the middle of road while crossing it, not knowing which way to go because I couldn’t make up mind fast enough. My mind blanked out on me and my legs went numb.
Thank god for that random stranger who pushed me to the other side of road or I would have lost my life that day.
That day was like a wakeup call. Something like the final thing that triggered me to change myself.
So, I took steps to get myself out this self-destructive phase.
I tried little by little every day, took impulsive decisions without thinking twice about it. And whenever I found myself over thinking, I would distract myself or keep myself busy with work.
So, with baby steps I made myself happier, confident and built up my original personality again. I still did over think, but I chose to ignore it. And slowly I didn’t care, I let it go.
I stopped caring about what others think because I was tired of feeling bad about myself. I was very tired of undermining myself.
I didn’t want to anymore, I just wanted to know what it would feel like to be free.
To breathe without any worries.
Simply be me!
– Bhargavi Ravi