Pain

Hey, if you know what pain is! The real pain when you are all broken and it feels like burning hell inside, like there’s bullet stuck in your chest trying to rip out of your skin. When it’s not only the heart that aches but the whole body want to give up. When life doesn’t make sense anymore, when all you have in mind is WHY? And all you can do is just sit there in agony. When you voluntarily try to cry but not a tear comes out and you end up vomiting. Each night you sit there on the balcony looking at her WhatsApp account which reads online but you don’t have the courage anymore to text, you have already lost self-respect a million times before, begging her to talk to you. When you call and she doesn’t pick up but then you call again after a while and she’s busy talking. When you have fought and tried to get it back but all you got was “stop bugging me”, “you are annoying”, “breakup if it’s so difficult for you to stay”. When you still love her but have lost believe is the possibility of ‘us’. You don’t trust her anymore not because she is doing something wrong but just because you don’t know her anymore! There are times when it feels like nothing ever happened, it’s all fine when she talks to you, but then it’s only when she feels like. You are only needed for the time when she wants you to be there, you are nothing otherwise. When you don’t know giving up is the right choice or not. When you don’t know will you be able to survive without her. You gave your all to it, she too was all in! And now it’s all gone, *poof* no reason, you aren’t her priority anymore. When she talks about meeting a new guy and tell you how amazing he made her feel and how understanding he was and you just listen, no reaction. When you are miles away feeling pathetic, missing her every day, all messed up but trying to keep it alive and she says I never missed you. You don’t know how to react to that, it feels heavy, crushing! She says I’m busy because of problems going in her life, well who doesn’t? You notice her talking to others, visiting places, having good time, living an effortless life where you don’t exist. All of a sudden you are the person who she doesn’t require anymore. When she does everything possible to piss you off and want you to end it. You aren’t ready to give it up because you know the pain now is nothing in compare to the pain you’ll feel when she’s literally gone. When you won’t be hearing her voice anymore. Her ignorance starts feeling fine because you don’t want to die. You keep reminding yourself of all the happy times with her, all the times when you were together and it was all merry. When life meant something, when moving around wasn’t so difficult, when her smile made your day, when she was home. When you weren’t superman but she made you feel like one. And how you wiped off sweat from her face and how those perfect falling hairs took your breath away. How perfecting her smudged mascara after college was your favorite job of the day. Of how the intimacy you had was so intense. About how the smell of her aura was so calming. About all the outings and fun times you had. All the small things, all the details she doesn’t give a damn about anymore! You loved her and will always do. There won’t be a day that will pass by without your brain not bringing her up. You wish her to have a happy life ahead. She was the most beautifully amazing mistake you ever made. Thank her for the time she invested in you, it was the best in your entire life. You don’t know what got into her and she abandoned you. You’d love to have a reason someday. The healing will finally begin with time. Only way out of this misery is to bare it.
Embrace it now, for good times await, I guess! That’s what people say..

– Shivendra Saxena

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